8 Principals for Christian Parenting

These 8 principals are covered extensively in a series preached by Pastor Tim Conway of Grace Community Church in San Antonio, TX. Of all of the messages I've ever heard on the topic of parenting, these are by far the most powerful, biblical, and challenging.

Essential Principals of Christian Parenting

1. Christ-Likeness. Imitating Christ. It is not only the goal of every Christian, but it is the goal of us as parents to lead our children, to train our children, to discipline our children to be like Christ as well. This is based on the fact that every single characteristic of Christ that’s pressed upon you as a Christian somewhere, either in command or principal or example, the same things are somewhere in the Scriptures also required of your children.

2. Christ is to have preeminence in all things. Col. 1:18 “That Christ might have preeminence in everything.”

3. Just to be a Christian, Luke 14:33 says you must renounce everything. To be a Christian you must yield everything in your life to the authority of Christ, and that includes your children, your parenting philosophies, your ideas, your opinions—everything surrendered to the feet of Christ.

4. If you love son or daughter more than Christ, you are not worthy of Christ. Christ demands your chief affection, your chief love.

5. We are not our own. We have been bought with a price. And our children are not our own. Christ looks at everything and says “Mine.” He is the Master. He is the Lord. And we are the servants. And he taught us in Luke 17:10 to say “We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.”

6. As our Master, he has given us 3 very specific commandments in the NT with regards to parenting and children, and He has given only 3 commandments.

• Matt 19:14: “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them.” It is imperative.
• Colossians 3:21: “Fathers do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
• Eph 6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

7. Our Lord gives special emphasis to one of these commands: “Do not provoke your children.”

8. Our Lord emphasizes fathers. “Fathers, do not provoke…” The more satanic (and distant from Christ) a society is, the more the fathers are turned against their children.

Book Review : God, Marriage, and Family

I know without a doubt that I’ll be referring back to God, Marriage and Family by Andreas J. Köstenberger for the next 40-plus years I expect to be alive, granted that I don’t die or Jesus returns. In this book Köstenberger gives a thorough analysis of what the Bible teaches on the institutions of Marriage and Family. Here’s a key statement from the book:

Both the Old and the New Testament present a coherent body of teachings pertaining to marriage and the family. From the Garden of Eden, to Israel, to Jesus, to the early church, to Paul, all uphold a very high standard in this crucial area of life. While countless times individuals fell and will fall short of God’s ideal, Scripture makes clear that the Creator’s standard for marriage and family remains intact—it was instituted at Creation, and is expected of humankind today. In this as well as in other areas, in the first century as today, Christianity towers above pagan cultures and displays the character of a holy God in the lives and relationships of his people. (275)

This book was honestly a challenge for me mentally, as the book was written at more of a pastor/scholar level. Also, I found that some of the topics were more interesting to me than others, requiring a bit of discipline, but that is my weakness and not the book's. Overall it was well worth working through this book to not only deepen my understanding of what the Bible teaches, but to also familiarize myself with it, knowing I'll be returning to it again and again as a helpful resource. Not only does Köstenberger spend a great deal of the book attempting to address everything the Bible says about marriage and family (Old Testament and New Testament), but he also thoroughly addresses many moral issues associated with family: divorce, abortion, birth-control methods, homosexuality, singleness, etc.

One thing that struck me as I read this book was the impact ignorance can play these areas of life. For instance, early in our marriage, when Kerry and I were trying to decide which “family-planning” method to use, we did not only lack in our understanding of how these methods actually worked, but we also lacked a biblical understanding of the sanctity of life and when life actually begins (inside or outside the womb). We thank God that our understanding deepened before we were married, and were thus able to avoid methods that were “abortive” in nature, but had we not sought out biblical wisdom and discernment in these issues and instead gone with our "natural" inclinations, we would have likely made a deeply regrettable decision. Köstenberger wrestles with issues like these in-depth and gives some helpful and practical guidelines for discernment.

The resources toward the end of the book are outstanding (171 of the book’s 448 pages are resources for further study!), and the overall format is easy to use as a reference. Not only do I plan to turn to this book much in the future, but I would highly recommend this book to anyone, especially elders, parents, or students of the Bible.

Book Review : Family Driven Faith

Nowadays, it is fairly well known that almost 90% of teens who profess Christianity leave the church by the end of their first year of college. There seems to be a great deal of uncertainty as to how our kids should be raised, and what the church's and the parents' roles are in all this. But the fact that 1 out of 10 kids who claim to be Christians actually continue in the faith after high school is a red flag that something is wrong with today's norms.

When I started reading Voddie Baucham's diagnosis and solution to this the problem, outlined in his book Family Driven Faith, I have to admit I was very skeptical. From the few times I have listened to his sermons , I knew Baucham was a gifted and passionate preacher, and was not afraid to be controversial, no matter how "unpopular" his view may be. I knew he was very well-grounded theologically, and I think I can say "Amen" to almost everything he says about the foundational doctrines, but when it comes to his views on what it looks like to "obey" the Word of God in all manners of life, such as how to raise kids, I sometimes find myself in uncharted and unknown territory. Particularly on the issue of raising kids, I've always felt the Bible was clear that we were to "bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord," but I have agonized over the many views in Christian teaching on how this is applied. So, all that's to say that, in picking up this book, I was expecting to deal with some "uncomfortable" topics for me.

And as I read through the book, many parts did make me uncomfortable-- but in a good way. I didn't realize it, but before I read this book I had assumed a lot of things about how my kids would grow up, without questioning the biblical foundation of it all. I had never ever questioned the thought of my kids going to public school, nor had I considered having regular times of family worship and doing things that would shape my children's worldview. As Baucham states repeatedly, these are decisions worth wrestling with and testing.

Baucham seeks to challenge his readers (namely parents, especially fathers/husbands) to wrestle with what God would call them to do in light of what the Bible says about raising children, and to consider the Biblical standards related to managing the family (such as Eph. 6:1-4, 1 Timothy 3, Titus 1, and 1 Peter 5). One of his primary aims in Family Driven Faith is to inspire his readers to invest in their children with a view toward multigenerational faithfulness.

With this goal in mind, noting that it's impossible without the sovereign work of God (though I would say this is not emphasized enough), Baucham pleads with the reader to wrestle with societal norms for parenting, which tend to place faithfulness to Christ at the bottom of the priority list. I agreed with his descriptions of our culture, in that, upon closer examination, the American culture is predominantly anti-marriage and anti-child in nature. But what I really appreciated is that every area of weakness in typical child-rearing and youth ministry structures were countered with a great deal of biblically-supported ideas pointing to an alternative direction.

For example, I knew from the beginning that it would take a strong argument and a great deal of powerful persuasion to get me to even begin to think positively about homeschooling our own kids (the main reason being that we simply don't think we are capable of doing it well). My position didn't budge until I considered Baucham's words (directed toward cynics like myself) on page 123:

Before you run off screaming, "Another homeschool dad trying to convince us all to do what he does," let me assure you of a couple of things. First, I would never suggest that everyone should educate his or her children the same way we educate ours. Second, I don't want to make it that easy. I want you to think about what the Bible has to say on the subject and wrestle with the decision you have to make. That being said, let's look at some key biblical passages and their implications.

Proverbs 1:7 is foundational to our discussion. Solomon tells us, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge" (cf. Job 28:28; Psalm 111:10; Proverbs 9:10; 15:33; Ecclesiastes 12:13). In other words, our educational choice has to be based on the fact that God cannot and must not be ignored in the process. Any educational system that denies the existence, preeminence, and primacy of God is in violation of this biblical principle and is detracting from, rather than contributing to, the discipleship process.

He goes on make what is, in my opinion, a strong argument for how difficult it is to develop a Biblical worldview in your child in government schools, as opposed to educating at home, which makes sense in light of Romans 12:2, Col. 2:8, and 1 Timothy 6:20-21. He says, "Clearly, believers are to avoid unnecessary exposure to worldview influences that would contradict and/or undermine biblical truth. Again, any educational choice we make must take this biblical principal into account."

Baucham offers many other ideas that greatly challenged my conceptions of discipling our children. Among these is setting aside times for family worship, a concept which, as a result of Baucham's persuasive arguments and helpful instruction, I've already put into practice with my own family.

With all of the "hot-spots" Baucham touches on in Family Driven Faith, I would say that the most "radical" ideas of the book are in the final two chapters, where Baucham argues for a paradigm shift from the contemporary "age-segregated" church model to what is called a "Family-Integrated" church structure, the structure his own church uses (and apparently many others across the country). In this structure there is no nursery, no children's church, no youth-ministry, and no other program that is designed to target specific age groups. Rather, everything the church does, it does in the context of the family, regardless of age. I have to admit, this is hard to imagine, especially with two children who at times are out of control and rebellious. Before reading this book I would have never imagined sitting through a church service with them sitting next to me. But this is an incredibly thought-provoking section that has probably forever changed the way I look at our church structure, which tends to place the "discipleship" responsibility on the youth leader and not on the parents. The statistics demonstrate well the effectiveness of this approach.

I appreciate that Baucham does caution his readers who might be persuaded toward a Family-Integrated Church model to not try to overthrow their churches with these ideas. He points out that if they're a leader, they would likely meet a lot of opposition and possibly get fired (he knows people who have), and he encourages non-leaders like me to simply pray.

Overall, I'd say this is a book that I recommend to any Christian who's willing to wrestle with the role of the family in discipling our children. I may change my mind in one direction or the other on the positions for which Baucham argues, but I am deeply appreciative of Baucham's book and the challenges it rings out.

Christ-Centered Parenting with Young Children

A good Q&A from C.J. & Carolyn Mahaney, check it out here.

Christian Classics: The Duties of Parents

The Duties of Parents by J.C. Ryle.

This was one of about 15 outstanding classic short books I received via mail from the Chapel Library, which offers all of its materials free of charge. This particular work has proven very timely as our 2-year-old son, Cameron, is in a season of exhibiting both humble obedience and foolish rebellion. Kerry and I are often finding ourselves in challenging situations that demand a quick response, but we often encounter situations that are difficult to discern, and in general had lacked a vision for what godly training of our children looks like.

For this reason, I have found "The Duties of Parents", written nearly 150 years ago by pastor J.C. Ryle, to be a timeless and exceedingly helpful resource, and would recommend it to any Christian parent as a clear framework for developing a vision for "training" your children. The booklet is relatively short and describes 17 areas of "training" for parents to prayerfully consider. The book is easy to read and my copy was only 35 pages long, so it can be read in one sitting. You can also read it for free here. Here's a few highlights from the book:


The foundational verse of the book is:

"Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it." -- Prov. 22:6

Ryle begins with the argument that this text, though well known among most Christians, is not heeded. Thus the Lord's promise "when he is old, he will not depart from it", he argues, is not fulfilled. He asks the reader to ask himself, "Am I in this matter doing what I can?"

The 17 key principles/exhortations of Ryle directed toward parents are as follows:

1. First, then, if you would train your children rightly, train them in the way they should go, and not in the way that they would.
2. Train up your child with all tenderness, affection, and patience
3. Train your children with an abiding persuasion on your mind that much depends upon you
4. Train with this thought continually before your eyes-- that the soul of your child is the first thing to be considered.
5. Train your child to a knowledge of the Bible
6. Train them to a habit of prayer
7. Train them to habits of diligence, and regularity about public means of grace
8. Train them to a habit of faith
9. Train them to a habit of obedience
10. Train them to a habit of always speaking the truth
11. Train them to a habit of always redeeming the time
12. Train them with a constant fear of over-indulgence
13. Train them remembering continually how God trains His children.
14. Train them remembering continually the influence; of your example
15. Train them remembering continually the power of sin.
16. Train them remembering continually the promises of Scripture.
17. Train them, lastly, with continual prayer for a blessing on all you do.
    

Some brief comments:

-On #1: Followers of "Love and Logic" parenting strategies will conflict with this first point

-On #2: I find this point exceeding important and one of the most difficult. Ryle compares a child's mind to a lump of metal-- "not to be forged and made useful at once, but only by a succession of little blows." And, "their understandings are like narrow-necked vessels: we must pour in the wine of knowledge gradually, or much of it will be spilled and lost. 'Line upon line, and precept upon precept, here a little and there a little.'" He urges the parent to "try hard to keep up a hold on your child's affections", for "it is a dangerous thing to make your children afraid of you."

-On #3: A good point on the fact that we can't "convert" child. Ryle concedes this is absolutely true, but that God also expressly says,"Train up a child in the way he should go", and "He never laid a command on man which He would not give man grace to perform," and that "our duty is not to stand still and dispute, but to go forward and obey".

-On # 4: The idea of training your child for heaven, not for earth, has been impactful. This overlaps with other points, but gives meaning to witholding pleasures and comforts in this world.

-On #5: "Fill their minds with Scripture. Let the Word dwell in them richly. Give them the Bible, the whole Bible, even while they are young". I plan to give my son an ESV Study Bible as soon as he's able to read.

-On #6: This chapter could stand alone as an exhortation to pray:

"Prayer is the simplest means that man can use in coming to God."

"Prayer is on great secret of spiritual prosperity. When there is much private communion with God, your soul will grow like the grass after rain; when there is little, all will be at a standstill, you will barely keep your soul alive. Show me a growing Christian, a going forward Christian, a strong Christian, a flourishing Christian, and sure am I, he is one that speaks often with his Lord. He asks much, and he has much."

"Prayer is the mightiest engine God has placed in our hands. It is the best weapon to use in every difficulty, and the surest remedy in every trouble. It is the key that unlocks the treasury of promises, and the hand that draws forth grace and help in time of need. It is the silver trumpet God commands us to sound in all our necessity, and it is the cry He has promised always to attend to, even as a loving mother to the voice of her child."

"This, remember, is the first step in religion which a child is able to take."

On #8: Train your child to be content to obey without having full understanding of "why"

On #9: On the importance of teaching your children that obedience is of the highest importance (this will clash greatly with our culture):

"Parents, do you wish to see your children happy? Take care, then, that you train them to obey when they are spoken to, --to do as they are bid. Believe me, we are not made for entire independence, -- we are not fit for it".

On #11: Ryle says, "Idleness is the devil's best friend. It is the surest way to give him an opportunity of doing us harm."

On #12: Scriptures sited are Prov 13:24, Prov 22:15, Prov 23:13-14, Prov 29:15,17.

"Reader, if there be any point which deserves your attention, believe me, it is this one. It is one that will give you trouble, I know. But if you do not take trouble with your children when they are young, they will give you trouble when they are old. Choose which you prefer."

On # 13: See Exod. 13:17, Num. 21:4, 2 Cor 12:8,9

On # 14: "Fathers and mothers, do not forget that children learn more by the eye than they do by the ear. No school will make such deep marks on characters as home."

39 Lessons, 20 Tips and 10 "Don'ts" For Parenting

An incredibly helpful collection of wisdom for parents, written by Matt & Elizabeth Schmucker at 9Marks.

Raising our Youth

"Command and teach these things. 12 Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. 13Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to exhortation, to teaching. 14 Do not neglect the gift you have, which was given you by prophecy when the council of elders laid their hands on you. 15Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress. 16 Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers." - 1 Timothy 4:11-16 (ESV)

As a parent, there is a lot to wrestle with in John Piper's sermon entitled, "Let No One Despise You for Your Youth." (Links below)

One area in particular that I'm convicted to bring before God is centered around how we discipline and instruct our children. Parenting is one of the hardest things I've ever been called to do. I'm realizing one of the primary reasons for this difficulty is my own sin and my own selfishness, which go into direct conflict with the my role as a father. God has much to do in me yet. But one central challenge brought about in Piper's message is in how to teach your kids about the gospel from an early age. His words are strong and challenging.

If you are a supporter of "Love and Logic" parenting models, as my wife and I have been, this will be especially challenging. The thing is, love and logic is in essence based on a legalistic framework: good behavior leads to good results, bad behavior leads to punishment. This is undoubtedly necessary in parenting, but if this is only form of discipline your parenting consists of, then your idea of a "successful" child will be one that follows rules, not one who loves and trusts in Jesus. You may indeed have a child who is wonderfully compliant. And though it will appear to be successful, it will fail in the most important respect: the child's hope and trust will be in his/her ability to follow rules, not in Jesus' sacrifice for their sins. I encourage you to listen to this message and wrestle with this and other issues involving the raising of our youth. Please comment on any thoughts you have!

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12 Ways to Love Your Wayward Child

12 Ways to Love Your Wayward Child

This was written by Abraham Piper, son of writer/preacher John Piper.